so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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