I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I understand Curling. That high.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
how does that bad decision feel?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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