You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize