My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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