gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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