Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
