I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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