On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
