Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
