I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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