I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
This toilet bowl is my home.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
