theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
