Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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