I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
