oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
