Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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