do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize