you didnt know i had herpes?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
