my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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