every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
