How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
