Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
