farters have to be the big spoon...
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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