She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
