he shaved USA in his pubs
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
