Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
