Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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