I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
