What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
