Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
