Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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