I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
