I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
