I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
