I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
