I looked at my own cervix.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
