im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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