When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
