i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
