just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize