If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
