Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
