the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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