Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
