the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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