My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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