Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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