So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
