in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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