Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
