i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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