shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
