You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
