You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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