she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Pants are for mortals
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
