He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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