you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
it's like iHOP with fire
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
