You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
