my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize