Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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