Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
