Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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